I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just pee around me
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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