I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
