Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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