I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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