Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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