i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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