I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
