The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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