I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
