How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
