Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
