TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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