I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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