Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
