phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
