people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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