please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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