i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
