I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Randomize
