it was like his penis was on wheels.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
