were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Is it because I queefed?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Randomize
