Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
