guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
