Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
