Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
