Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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