Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
