I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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