we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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