I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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