He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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