well you can't waste a boner
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize