this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
