Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize