I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
