You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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