i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize