You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
