Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Randomize
