I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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