had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
