Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
