ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I've blown a few things in my day
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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