I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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