Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Let's paint friendship bongs
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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