cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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