Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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