Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
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