Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
