My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Did we literally take a cab across the street
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
