i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
