Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
