I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
