fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
