Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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