Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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