proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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