After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
